Rediscovering sanity and balance (day 4)

Those four dots right there represent the longest period of stability I’ve had with eating in a while (ever since I fell back into compulsive overeating habits last September-ish).

How did I “fall back” into those patterns to begin with, anyway?

Well, I had a particularly spicy unresolved stressor in my life that I couldn’t quite figure out how to deal with, so I dealt with it in the worst possible way: pretending it didn’t exist, looking the other way, etc. Kinda gaslighting myself, in a way.

At the same time, I got a job at a pizza place.

Pretending that my emotions don’t exist by eating copious amounts of cheese and carbs is one of my oldest artforms (learned to do that trick before I even sprouted my first armpit hair).

Anyway, these factors created the conditions for my eating disorder relapse.

And once I was stuck in the cycle, this impacted my capacity to think clearly about and manage my problems even more.

It’s mind-boggling how quickly the quality of a human life can deteriorate. How rapidly it can all go to shit.

I kept trying to get my eating under control while working at the pizza shop, but it became massively evident that I needed to quit. So, I did.

I’ve also been making gradual process on coming to terms with that particularly spicy stressor.

And also assessing my habits (re-reading and re-applying the seminal Atomic Habits by James Clear is timely and optimism-inducing) and making small adjustments here and there that, with consistency, will compound over time.

I am being open with my support system, relying on my friends for support, and letting a buddy force me to go to yoga tonight.

Easy does it. But do it (as they say in Narcotics Anonymous)!

I’ll try to keep writing about this along the way (this promotes the reconnecting with my creative self, which has atrophied somewhat much to my chagrin, while also creating opportunities for connection and relation with any who happen to be passing by my digital neck of the woods).