Oops, I did it again.
The weight yo-yo thing, I mean.
Compulsive overeating has been a lifelong challenge for me, and this has resulted in cyclical weight fluctuations over the years. Sometimes rather extreme ones.
For instance, in 2006 I weighed 375 lbs.
In 2007… I dropped down to 155 lbs. It was the first time I’d ever lost weight before and I got way overly zealous about exercise and calorie restriction; I essentially went from extreme gluttony to extreme restriction, pretty much overnight.
I had to learn this the hard way, but there’s only one way that could have worked out:
Bouncing back up to 275 lbs. in 2008, of course.
Good times.
I’ve lost over 100 lbs. twice and lost over 50 lbs. a few more times than that.
Ever since my life has become recovery-oriented, the extremes have been evening out. My periods of compulsivity with food become a bit shorter each time around.
But it’s still a wild, confusing ride at times.
I don’t even really know what I look like sometimes, because my self-perception gets all weird and skewered. I experienced a 75 lbs. weight gain between September of 2023 and January of 2024.
It is a deeply surreal transformation. My mind and self-perception have a hard time keeping up with my body.
Sometimes it’s really embarrassing, because I know other people notice too, but hardly anyone knows how to talk about it so it can end up being this big, weird unspoken thing.
I’ve been open about it with my recovery circle, and that helps. A lot.
And that’s one of the most important parts of recovery: keeping a channel flowing between my insides (my emotions, fears, concerns) and my outsides (my sangha/community).
At the end of the day, weight is just a metric, and it’s not a metric I want to be overly fixated on.
I just want to treat myself well. I want to live this life as well as I can, and to be mentally and physically fit as to maximally explore my personal potential; to show up adequately for my relationships, to bring as much balance, kindness, and love into this world as possible.
That said, keeping track of my weight has traditionally been instrumental in reinventing and improving my lifestyle.
Checking in daily with myself and keeping a chart works very well for me, especially in the early stages of committing to a lifestyle change.
Perhaps the most important part of taking care of my body, is loving and accepting myself just how I am.
I know it’s ironic, that self-acceptance in the moment is often the main prerequisite for change.
But I don’t make the rules. I’m just here to learn and live them.
So here’s what I look like as of this morning (2-20-2024):
I’ll try to get into a habit of blogging here, about my thoughts, feelings, and experiences along the way.
Here are some photos from my journey over the years:
What a ride. At least life has always been interesting!
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