The ship of my recovery, fully fortified, cruising across the great seas of life. Fortified by humility, vigilance, service, gratitude, mindfulness, and connection. When life’s seas are calm, the days blend one to the next, and my vigilance wanes slightly. I begin skipping meditation some mornings. Or decide, a little pornography once in a while won’t hurt anything.
The seas remain calm as skipping meditation happens more and more, and pornography becomes increasingly appealing as the days go on, as a quick fix for loneliness, boredom, or avoidance of unpleasant thoughts, anxieties, and responsibilities. My mindfulness slips, service and connection sputter, and I may make excuses to justify these compromises. “I’ve been working so hard on recovery. I deserve some time off. I can take a little break and be OK.” Fare thee well, humility.
And maybe it is OK, for a while at least, and only on the surface. Then the high seas of life get nailed by a storm. Since my ship’s fortification has weakened, I am tossed around like a ragdoll, broken apart. I try to course correct of my own volition and effort, but I am disconnected from my true strength: receptivity and community. My recovery is shipwrecked before I am even fully aware of what hit me and I find myself coping with life in old ways that ensnare my soul and wake up the addiction beast. All bets are off. Uhm, whoops?
Just for Right Fucking Now
Yeah, fuck all that noise. Been there, done that. I am a seasoned captain of my recovery ship by now, and seasoned captains always properly maintain their vessels. It is not only me on this ship. Everyone I love and who loves me is aboard too. Their presence in my life indicates their trust in me to keep this ship afloat. I trust myself too, because I refuse to gamble with my recovery. Not right now, and not ever.
0 thoughts on “Keeping Recovery Afloat”