Beyond Snap Judgments Awaits the Human Heart

It may be true that there are no second chances at first impressions, but who gives a rip?

First impressions are perhaps more influenced by the one receiving the impression than on the one making it.

When I was in rehab, I started off as a snap judgment machine.

“This guy is a shamelessly misogynistic toad. Oh shit, so is that guy. And that one and that one and that one. Am I the only dude here that values not objectifying women? Oh gosh, that guy over there, when faced with the choice between teeth and meth, said, ‘Teeth are for losers.’ He thinks he’s so funny, but his sense of humor smells worse than the cheap beer sweating out through his pores. And who is this new guy, acting so fancy and entitled? Everyone behold, the Queen of England has entered rehab!”

some asshole (me)

The hamster wheel in my mind kept circulating with futile judgments. This kept me feeling “apart from” rather than “a part of.”

Rehab put me in an environment and mindset of confronting these tendencies in myself, tendencies which have often sabotaged my life and recovery. Being apart from rather than a part of is disconnection, and disconnection one of the covert fuels on the fire of active addiction.

In rehab, something beautiful happened.

“What beautiful thing happened?” ye inquire

Humanity broke through. Connection won.

The confined nature of treatment led to discourse and daily interactions amongst people who may overlook and under-value one another in the “real world.”

Gradually and naturally, I deeply realized the true downfall of my initial judgments.

Through connection, we all started to grow on each other and with one another.

In many instances, a mighty affinity developed in a relatively short period of time, for people who were much unlike my usual circle of friends. This led to a profound category of experience for me, that instilled in me a sense of becoming more complete.

Also, through reflection, it occurs to me that I share more in common than I am wired to admit, with certain people who may initially offend my sensibilities.

Dat ass tho

For instance, it may not be my style to join a drooling group of gawkers in whispering sweet, raunchy nothings to each other as a well-shaped lady buttocks passes down the hallway, and yet deep down I know that I appreciate a hearty posterior as much as the next dude.

I have developed a degree of impulse control when it comes to staring, lusting, and commenting, but it’s not like I fail to relate to what’s going on there.

That’s one area of my life that I can rather well control my impulses in, but obviously other areas have been lacking, because, hello? Rehab.

Self-compassion

My judgments of others are frivolous and energy-depleting, but I do not necessarily make a project at this point, about disposing of them altogether.

Self-compassion and patience with my process are as vital to my recovery as oxygen is to my lungs, and veins are to my blood.

That said, the power here lies in the realization that while snap judgments will surely occur, that there is always more to the story.

More will be revealed

A snap judgment is a glimpse at the tip of an iceberg. And a lot of the time I’m looking at the tip through dirty goggles during a storm.

There is always more to discover about people, and ways to see them more clearly.

Rehab was an awesome laboratory, as I repeatedly became friends with people I did not care much for at first.

The repetition of this process of breaking through those initial barriers was powerful on multiple levels.

I came away with an amazing assortment of dudes in recovery who care about my happiness and success, and I care about theirs. Never gotten so many dudes’ phone numbers in my life.

It gets even better. After seeing repeatably and reliably that my mental conceptions of people are often empty and limited, I started to see people who were already in my life in a new light too.

I’ve loosened my grip on whatever I think I know about people. Their layers, dimensions, and facets become more visible.

I’m sensing a great potential here for a deeper intimacy in my friendships and familial relationships.

Perhaps through this, my tendency to make negative snap judgments will fade, but I am willing to accept this quirk about myself.

It may be natural for my brain to distinguish those who behave in ways I do not personally value, and that’s OK.

Seeing their humanity anyway is some spicy secret sauce that opens up new horizons in life and recovery.