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Addicted (A Poem)

Do you know how it feels
To not trust yourself?
When your best intentions
Don’t even get honorable mentions
In the book
In the book of your life

When I was a child
I had stars in my eyes
An uncultivated field
Potentiality unrecognized
Circumstances abhorred
Identity malformed
But still, I dreamed that I
That i could touch the sky
(Always asking why
A few thousand too many times)

I won’t make excuses
But I’d like to explain
For a point of reference
For all this pain and shame
I wanted to be heard
I wanted to be seen
But I felt so unimportant
And I felt so incomplete

A restless rage overtook my soul
An internal writhing with which I couldn’t cope
That’s how I learned to numb my pain
If I could take it all back, I would
But there’s no going back
There is only growing up

I’ve been addicted to pleasure
Addicted to pain
I’ve found comfort in the gutter
As sirens sang my name
To academic recognition
and pornography
To the monkey on my back
And its sweet nothings
Addicted to rebellion
And falling in line
Addicted to bottom-shelf poison
That corrodes my mind
I’ve been addicted to stagnation
And to exercise
Rewired by dextromethorphan
It seemed wise at the time
I’m addicted to the glow
Of a former lover’s eyes
I haven’t seen it in decades
But imagine it all the time
I’m addicted to pretending
That I’m all right
To external validation
When you share and like

But what I’ve learned
Is that I’ll never fill the void
Without getting real
Without letting myself feel
Inside my heart is a child
Cold and terrified as years wore on
He’s been waiting for me
Afraid that I’ll never come
To take him into my arms
And kiss him on the head
Well, my child, I’m coming to you
Meet me in the field of hope