Finishing My First Song in Recovery
I’ve been writing songs for nearly twenty-five years.
Well, kinda. More like, I wrote a ton of songs back in my drunk and high years.
Then I spent the last six years cleaning up my life but finding myself completely incapable of finishing a song.
Until now.
Before: Writing While Numb
Since my start with songwriting, music and substances were enmeshed for me.
In my substance-induced creative zone, I felt unstoppable. Adventurous. Mercilessly experimental.
Inhibitions vanished. Confidence soared.
Even if I didn’t have the technical skill to realize my exact vision, I didn’t care—I’d keep playing until it made sense.
My spellbinding chemical concoctions made me feel like a genius. And that feeling was enough to fuel me song after song.
After: The Silence of Sobriety
Recovery changed the whole game. The high was over. My confidence drained. Inhibitions prevailed. Insecurities roared.
I suddenly became hyperaware of my shortcomings as an artist. My lack of technical skill, my imperfect voice, my outdated production knowledge… all of it was too much to manage without the cushion of intoxication.
I found it harder to push through.
I’d start songs and stop, walking away and never looking back.
It’s not that I didn’t want to create anymore. I desperately did. Songwriting for me was always my favorite act of catharsis. It’s caused me deep pain to feel so helpless in returning to form.
My First Sober Song
It’s Gonna Be Hard (But You’re Gonna Be Loved) is the first song I’ve finished in recovery.
It started with some words and a basic melody that came to me during a walk through the woods.
I was deeply pondering someone dear to me, who has a hard road ahead of them.
“It’s gonna be hard, but you’re gonna be loved.”
I pulled out my phone and sent myself the words and melody in a Facebook message. More phrases came. Momentum built. I made more messages.
When I got home, I opened up my digital audio workstation, FL Studio.
Stared at it blankly for a minute.
Then, I popped off a message to Chat GPT:
“I need your help. Although I have used FL Studio for many years, I have never managed to finish a project sober. My workflow is random and inefficient. My projects get so cluttered and disorganized, that finishing them is a nightmare. Please act as my FL Studio tutor and teach me best practices for workflow, as well as pointing out useful features as we go.”
And we were off.
Say what you will about AI, but it’s really nice having a patient teacher by my side as I rebuild my neural pathways for productivity and resilience.
I wanted to have It’s Gonna Be Hard (But You’re Gonna Be Loved) done in a couple days, tops. It took a couple weeks, at least.
During that time, I ran into all my usual limitations, but this time, I stayed curious. Stayed playful. Stayed willing.
My original goal was: Let’s keep this song super simple. No movements or anything fancy. Just get to the finish line.
But then I got it in my head, I really wanted to pick up the energy. Blow it up into a mid-song VNV Nation-inspired euphoria, then lower it back down to its baseline.
That section almost broke me. Turns out, I’m not VNV Nation—I’m just a guy in recovery with a synth and a stubborn heart.
But I am learning how to be persistent enough to be dangerous. To use frustration as an impetus to learn and grow, rather than throw in the towel.
So, despite a head full of self-doubt, I pressed on. I did the thing.
Of course, there were a hundred other things I wanted to refine and add.
But it got to the point where:
- It felt “good enough” to be the official and historic first song I’ve completed sober.
- And more importantly: I smiled every time I listened to it.
All in all, this was an amazing learning experience; a real game-changer for my (sober) production knowledge, technical skill and workflow going forward.
When I finally hit play on the finished version… I just sat there for a moment. Quiet. Breathing. Listening. And smiling.
And Then Something Surprising Happened
When I put things on social media out there, I generally expect crickets.
And I got messages like this:
“Wow wow wow 😲 So so so beautiful Andrew. I’m so proud of you for sharing this! I really loved this song and I thank you for doing this with so much courage 🙏” – Roveena
“Oh my God this means so much to me!! 🙏 Thank you!! For expressing!!” – Angela
These words meant everything. The wows and the exclamation points. I can dig it. Something landed with a few people. And that rocks my world.
But the best part is, the person I wrote it for loved it. She even compared it to Depeche Mode, without even knowing how deep that compliment lands for me (that’s a story for another day).
For Anyone Trying to Create in Recovery
If you cannot fathom being as creative in recovery as you were in active addiction, I see you.
You’re not alone in the stops and starts. The frustration and turmoil. You’re not alone in wondering if your best work is behind you.
But I promise you—if you keep digging. Keep pushing. Keep going. There is a new kind of voice waiting for you in this season.
And it’s a voice that I very much want to hear.
Without further ado:
